An Anxiety Monologue

For those who may not understand anxiety, it can be difficult to imagine what it is that leads people to have panic attacks in seemingly unwarranted situations. For those who do or have suffered with it, the following might be either comforting or difficult to read.

A few days ago, I was laid in bed reading a book when I started having a panic attack. For the first time ever, I actually managed to control it effectively and it was over within a few seconds. And because it passed so quickly, I seem to remember the thoughts leading up to, during and after it.

So below, I'm going to give you a snapshot of the sort of thoughts that pass through a mind of an anxious person. I won't be using punctuation, in true Ulysses style, because your mind doesn't pause throughout this situation.

I feel anxious Ive had a pit in my stomach all day all day why isnt it going away am I stressed I dont think Im stressed my head feels funny like I have a leak do I have a brain tumour this leaking wont stop work is going to be stressful tomorrow two schools and a judging panel its going to be so stressful did I make sure I did everything I could maybe I havent I havent done enough tomorrow is going to be so stressful how will I cope I havent seen anyone after work for days on my own a lot lately my stomach has a pit in it theres something wrong with me why wont it go away Im anxious I need to see someone maybe I should call someone no its late now noone will answer I feel sick I can feel my heart is it beating fast god it is why wont my stomach stop turning Im getting worse right calm just calm why am I so anxious work is going to be so stressful tomorrow concentrate on reading just focus distract yourself oh god oh god my heart it is beating faster just ignore it read read whats in front of you it will pass oh god something bad is happening my eyes my eyes are blurring overwhelming breathe slow breathe slow just relax okay its happening panic attack its happening youre having a panic attack the blood is leaving my face my heart is hammering okay okay its happening just let it happen oh god its happening why is this happening let it pass let it pass let it pass relax calm feel it Im scared Im scared Im scared I accept it its happening go with it feel it feel it oh god my heart my heart lie still just lie still and breathe slow okay okay its passing now its passing just keep breathing speak to someone quick let them know okay I feel better oh god its passed

There is obviously a lot more to this picture than just these few moments before and during a panic attack, but just to give you an idea of what it's like to go through this. Yet I still got up the next day, and I went to work and you know what? I had the busiest but most satisfying day of my entire work placement. Everything went so smoothly - I wondered what I was ever worried about.

So I hope this helps in some way, just because you have anxiety, or depression or any other mental illness, it doesn't mean you can't be a successful, functional person. Sure, things are harder at times. But the satisfaction will feel so much sweeter knowing you've overcome such a personal obstacle.

Has anyone else faced their fear of anxiety to go on to achieve something? I'd love to hear about in the comments below!

In the Pursuit of (Realistic) Happiness

If you've ever suffered from mental illness, or heck, even lived in a modern society, you may have taken note of the persistent strive to attain happiness.

Consumerism has taught us happiness is bought, social media has taught us its in looks or talent, education has taught us its in a thriving career - but what do we honestly tell ourselves about what true happiness is? Is there even such a thing?

If any mix of the above suit your ideal of happiness, that's great. I'm not here to preach about what makes you happy. I wish to explore however, how these pressures to fit an ideal associated with happiness, have for me personally, skewed the picture of true contentment.

donireewalker: Pursued or created?

A Lesson from Kanye West - Becoming your own Rock

So, as you may have read from previous posts, my current living arrangements are rather up and down.

For three weeks, I live alone. Sometimes, this can be great. Cue whatever I want to watch on Netflix, minimal washing to be done and well, tidying up after myself can always wait until tomorrow!

Then of course, are the downsides.

My rock features red hair and a grizzly beard

Five Ways I've Learnt to Deal with a Bad Day

I feel like I've come a long way from the beginning of this blog already. Although it's been less than four months, I can say that seriously sitting down and evaluating how I can overcome some pretty long-standing issues with my mental health has been highly rewarding.

But in no way has it been easy. In fact, I probably had the biggest relapse in the form of a severe panic attack - seemingly from no-where. Yet I haven't looked back since and this refusal to give in to anxiety is very empowering.

So, from my journey thus far, here are my top five ways I've learnt to prevent a bad day.

Do you make mental illness your 'possession'? Well, read this.

One thing I've come to find problematic about the dialogue of mental illness is how people make reference to it.

Just to add a little disclaimer to this, as I don't wish to upset anyone - this post is NOT to penalise or criticise anyone. You can talk about mental illness however you feel most fit, as long as we're talking about!