The Black Dog, the Dark Cloud, the Bell Jar. Whatever analogy fits your demon, you can't ignore it

Hello guys,

I've seriously been in two minds about making a post today. For the most part, I've tried to keep this blog as upbeat and positive as possible. But of course when dealing with something like mental illness, that's not always feasible.

I didn't want to post anything today because basically, today has been a bad day. Some of my more difficult posts had been manageable because the feelings had passed. Today, what I'm describing is exactly how I feel right now, and I'm feeling pretty vulnerable. But of course, it's times like these more than ever when people need to be able to open up and be honest about they are affected.

Check out this helpful video one of my university friends shared through social media today, it explains how depression functions through a concise analogy.




The idea of the black dog is a great metaphor because it gives depression a physical manifestation. For those who may struggle to grasp the concept of depression, it can really help those who wish to understand.

However, the analogy of the bell jar has always been one I've found most suited to my experiences (and naturally being an English student, because it is derived from the novel by Sylvia Plath). It's the idea that depression is a jar that descends over your being and chokes you in your own negativity.

"How did I know that someday - at college, in Europe, somewhere, anywhere - the bell jar, with its stifling distortions, wouldn't descend again?" Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar.

Today in all respects, has been no different to my typical Monday. I wake up, have breakfast, I get on with a little housework, get ready and then I get myself uni, do what I need to do then I come home.

Except today, even the prospect of tidying had me close to tears. I woke up utterly exhausted and my body ached. I usually love making breakfast, today it was just a pure chore. I didn't enjoy eating my breakfast, as I normally do. I didn't enjoy my tea. I didn't enjoy getting ready. I didn't enjoy the prospect of uni. And the most horrible part, I didn't feel like I had the energy to socialize. This is the most difficult part to write about, because I have the most lovely people in my life that are an absolute joy to spend time with, and I couldn't even muster the energy to enjoy their company.

I was completely on auto-pilot all day. I felt so detached and numb. Right after my lecture, the details of which I can barely recall, I rushed off to be on my own. I ate my dinner alone. During this time, my best friend rang me and invited me to join her in the Climate Change march in London soon. On a normal day, I'd be so excited. She offered to pay half my train fare to make sure I could make it. Basically, I am exceptionally fortunate to have such fantastic friends. And yet, all I could do was worry about it. The thought stressed me out. And then suddenly, I just didn't feel anything at all. Being so close to her, she understood completely when I said I was having a bit of an off day, and I know I want to do it, so I will. But every part of me was screaming no, no, no. But I had to apologise, because there was no reason I should feel so ungrateful for such an opportunity. I felt guilty.

My second lecture commenced, and I toyed with the thought of arriving purposely late so I could sit on the end of a row in case I needed to leave. The more the day progressed, the more sour air I was breathing. I was just completely warped and apathy had set in. What was I doing here? What's the point? I couldn't concentrate, and I was at one point close to tears. I grappled the impulsive urge to just pack my bag and walk out straight out. Luckily, I had a group meeting afterwards, which even this bell jar day couldn't discourage me from. I don't think that I would have stayed otherwise.

But it's days like today, where you have seemingly no reason to feel such way, that are the hardest. I feel horrible for feeling like this too. Guilt is added to it all, because I never want to take for granted the good things I've got in my life. Essentially, there is nothing to be depressed about. And yet, here it is.

I know I will be fine, I'm absolutely sure of it. I just need some time to let the jar lift and take a gulp of fresh air. I don't want to be in denial about it. And this is the hardest thing to admit. I was not okay today.

But, you know what? That's okay.