The (Unrealistic) Pursuit of Happiness

Hello guys,

After a much needed weekend to relax, I'm finally back! I was planning to post on Saturday night, but as you can see, this didn't happen. I was going to further talk about anxiety and a depressive mood and what tend to triggers mine? I identified some of my worst triggers (procrastination, how'd you guess?) but then it got me thinking, why do these make me feel this why? What set of rules or beliefs do I hold that make me beat myself up so much.

WARNING: This post asks tonnes of questions.

Why do I think doing these things will achieve happiness? Why do I come down so hard on myself when I don't do them to whatever timescale I set myself?

I had free evening Saturday night. The other half had planned to have his friends round, so I retired contently upstairs, list at the ready for all the things I was going to do tonight.

I got tucked up in bed, exhausted from my busier than usual week. I'd pushed myself to try something new (tap dancing), I'd made sure I'd spent the time to cook plenty of food in advance. I was having an excellent week.

And then I didn't do what I set out to do. I put Chicago on Netflix, I laid back and I fell asleep watching it. The list loomed in the background. I woke up, I put on Zombieland (for the fortieth time), and the list still lingered there in the back of my mind.

The more of the movies I watched, the angrier I got at myself for not doing what I set out to do. But I was so tired. But there was absolutely no way I could tolerate this behaviour of myself, I wasn't allowed to be happy. 

Then today, as I was pottering around the house, I asked myself, well, why can't I be happy, and still leave things a little later than I should?

No-one was going to suffer at my procrastination, only myself. And then I expanded the idea. I spend a lot of time beating myself up for not knowing what I want to do with my life. I spend a lot of time making myself feel inadequate because I'm not particularly sure what I'm best at. And that should equate to unhappiness. At least that's what I always thought.

What it actually equates to, is the conclusion that I'm not allowed to be happy.

Why can't I be happy now? I'm doing what I need to do to get me where I want to be. Life is a marathon, not an epic sprint, Why is that not good enough? Why am I only allowing myself happiness when I reach the destination, when I could be loving the journey too?

And what even is happiness in this essence? Is it someone that walks around all day with an almost creepy grimace on their face? Someone who never gets angry, upset, disappointed? Well, rationally, no. Happiness is not so much a mood as it is a mindset. 

A mindset that can accept you make mistakes in life, one that encourages you to keep trying when you fail and take the best out of every situation in life (even if that situation means leaving something a little longer).

Most of all, one that will never hold you back. Happiness isn't getting your dream job, achieving the highest grades, being the best at whatever you set your mind to. If anything, they are a symptom of your happiness. 

I don't know if I've had some sort of epiphany right now but, from now on, rather than cracking the whip on myself, I should respect how I feel, and don't be so hard on myself. Life is difficult enough as it is.

Is anyone else guilty of sending themselves on a guilt trip? Where could you learn to be easier on yourself in order to achieve a little happiness?