An Anxiety Monologue

For those who may not understand anxiety, it can be difficult to imagine what it is that leads people to have panic attacks in seemingly unwarranted situations. For those who do or have suffered with it, the following might be either comforting or difficult to read.

A few days ago, I was laid in bed reading a book when I started having a panic attack. For the first time ever, I actually managed to control it effectively and it was over within a few seconds. And because it passed so quickly, I seem to remember the thoughts leading up to, during and after it.

So below, I'm going to give you a snapshot of the sort of thoughts that pass through a mind of an anxious person. I won't be using punctuation, in true Ulysses style, because your mind doesn't pause throughout this situation.

I feel anxious Ive had a pit in my stomach all day all day why isnt it going away am I stressed I dont think Im stressed my head feels funny like I have a leak do I have a brain tumour this leaking wont stop work is going to be stressful tomorrow two schools and a judging panel its going to be so stressful did I make sure I did everything I could maybe I havent I havent done enough tomorrow is going to be so stressful how will I cope I havent seen anyone after work for days on my own a lot lately my stomach has a pit in it theres something wrong with me why wont it go away Im anxious I need to see someone maybe I should call someone no its late now noone will answer I feel sick I can feel my heart is it beating fast god it is why wont my stomach stop turning Im getting worse right calm just calm why am I so anxious work is going to be so stressful tomorrow concentrate on reading just focus distract yourself oh god oh god my heart it is beating faster just ignore it read read whats in front of you it will pass oh god something bad is happening my eyes my eyes are blurring overwhelming breathe slow breathe slow just relax okay its happening panic attack its happening youre having a panic attack the blood is leaving my face my heart is hammering okay okay its happening just let it happen oh god its happening why is this happening let it pass let it pass let it pass relax calm feel it Im scared Im scared Im scared I accept it its happening go with it feel it feel it oh god my heart my heart lie still just lie still and breathe slow okay okay its passing now its passing just keep breathing speak to someone quick let them know okay I feel better oh god its passed

There is obviously a lot more to this picture than just these few moments before and during a panic attack, but just to give you an idea of what it's like to go through this. Yet I still got up the next day, and I went to work and you know what? I had the busiest but most satisfying day of my entire work placement. Everything went so smoothly - I wondered what I was ever worried about.

So I hope this helps in some way, just because you have anxiety, or depression or any other mental illness, it doesn't mean you can't be a successful, functional person. Sure, things are harder at times. But the satisfaction will feel so much sweeter knowing you've overcome such a personal obstacle.

Has anyone else faced their fear of anxiety to go on to achieve something? I'd love to hear about in the comments below!

In the Pursuit of (Realistic) Happiness

If you've ever suffered from mental illness, or heck, even lived in a modern society, you may have taken note of the persistent strive to attain happiness.

Consumerism has taught us happiness is bought, social media has taught us its in looks or talent, education has taught us its in a thriving career - but what do we honestly tell ourselves about what true happiness is? Is there even such a thing?

If any mix of the above suit your ideal of happiness, that's great. I'm not here to preach about what makes you happy. I wish to explore however, how these pressures to fit an ideal associated with happiness, have for me personally, skewed the picture of true contentment.

donireewalker: Pursued or created?

A Lesson from Kanye West - Becoming your own Rock

So, as you may have read from previous posts, my current living arrangements are rather up and down.

For three weeks, I live alone. Sometimes, this can be great. Cue whatever I want to watch on Netflix, minimal washing to be done and well, tidying up after myself can always wait until tomorrow!

Then of course, are the downsides.

My rock features red hair and a grizzly beard

Five Ways I've Learnt to Deal with a Bad Day

I feel like I've come a long way from the beginning of this blog already. Although it's been less than four months, I can say that seriously sitting down and evaluating how I can overcome some pretty long-standing issues with my mental health has been highly rewarding.

But in no way has it been easy. In fact, I probably had the biggest relapse in the form of a severe panic attack - seemingly from no-where. Yet I haven't looked back since and this refusal to give in to anxiety is very empowering.

So, from my journey thus far, here are my top five ways I've learnt to prevent a bad day.

Do you make mental illness your 'possession'? Well, read this.

One thing I've come to find problematic about the dialogue of mental illness is how people make reference to it.

Just to add a little disclaimer to this, as I don't wish to upset anyone - this post is NOT to penalise or criticise anyone. You can talk about mental illness however you feel most fit, as long as we're talking about!

I'm back from the Dread

I've taken a little hiatus from blogging recently. If you read my last post, I was having a particularly bad day.

Well, I don't like to dwell too much on what happened, but things got a lot worse.

The Black Dog, the Dark Cloud, the Bell Jar. Whatever analogy fits your demon, you can't ignore it

Hello guys,

I've seriously been in two minds about making a post today. For the most part, I've tried to keep this blog as upbeat and positive as possible. But of course when dealing with something like mental illness, that's not always feasible.

I didn't want to post anything today because basically, today has been a bad day. Some of my more difficult posts had been manageable because the feelings had passed. Today, what I'm describing is exactly how I feel right now, and I'm feeling pretty vulnerable. But of course, it's times like these more than ever when people need to be able to open up and be honest about they are affected.

Check out this helpful video one of my university friends shared through social media today, it explains how depression functions through a concise analogy.

I feel better

A moderate case of the Eff-Its (EDIT: And how moaning about it has got me motivated)

Well, it's finally come to the day I can reuse my spinning plates analogy. I've let a particularly important one smash today.

I've been following an exercise plan to the absolute tee for the past five weeks. And I am happy to report I am seeing results to a recognizable extent. My legs are subtly firmer, my ability to do burpees are markedly improved and I can now do three whole manly push ups in a row.

Even Goodness Needs Moderation

I am poorly sick today!

In a quest to increase my confidence and battle anxiety, I'd taken on an exercise regime which involves High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT). 

Clarke Carlisle Suicide Attempt: Mental illness doesn't discriminate, neither should we

Quite a sombre post today folks. Many football fans will have seen the recent devastating news that Clarke Carlisle, a former Burnley FC defender and TV pundit, admitted he had attempted suicide by jumping in front of a lorry last December.

Stock Photo: Mental illness has the potential to affect
anyone from any background

You can read the story on the BBC here.

How to fill your mind with your mind: Mindfulness meditation and taking your mind back from anxiety

Hello to you reader,

Two things I'm stoked to share with you today.

Firstly, today I revisited a very powerful technique called mindfulness. You may have heard of it before, but if you haven't, a boiled down version is that it is a form of mediation. Now, for those who instantly think 'Yeah right, like I have an hour a day to stare at a lit candle making 'Ommmm' sounds,' bear with me a second.

Stock Photo: Mindfulness can help reduce the need to put your head in your hands.
Unless your full time job is Hide and Seek Champion.

Mental Illness: Institutional Stigma?

Have you seen the recent news about benefit sanctions and those most commonly affected?

Take a quick read here.

The (Unrealistic) Pursuit of Happiness

Hello guys,

After a much needed weekend to relax, I'm finally back! I was planning to post on Saturday night, but as you can see, this didn't happen. I was going to further talk about anxiety and a depressive mood and what tend to triggers mine? I identified some of my worst triggers (procrastination, how'd you guess?) but then it got me thinking, why do these make me feel this why? What set of rules or beliefs do I hold that make me beat myself up so much.

WARNING: This post asks tonnes of questions.

When the butterflies start to strangle

Good morning folks,

Still feeling very overwhelmed by the response of this blog so far! Another 250 hits yesterday, thank you everyone for taking time to make mental health awareness grow.

Today, I'd like to talk a little more about anxiety, and its power to make even positive events in your life quite stressful.

Open Up

STOP. 

This page is open for a reason. 

Someone very close to you has something they need to share with you. Someone very important needs you to read this.

Don't do it alone, Let Them Know!

Morning folks!

Thank you to everyone who has read the blog thus far. After making the bold choice to share this on my personal Facebook, I can say I am absolutely overwhelmed with smiles at the response.

Very positive, and some inspiring, powerful individuals came forward and shared their stories with me!

You know who you are.

So, the reason for my post today, was to instigate a little resource for people who may feel like they can't find the right words to let someone know around them that they are struggling to cope.

Have you let someone know how much they mean to you lately?

Check out this moving video by Champions Against Bullying. Prepare for a few sniffles.

When panic attacks

So guys, a bit of background to this story. In 2013, I was having some reoccurring troubles with my err, digestive system.

Eventually, it was decided that I had IBS. Great.

After a year or so, it had calmed down massively and I would say it was almost not a problem anymore. Almost.

The problem I've found? It's caused by anxiety.

Some unhelpful brain-pickings that tend to float around my skull and why they are irrational

So, this first exercise is to identify negative thoughts. I'll explain why I think I think these thoughts (I think). And then I will rationalize with myself as to why they are untrue.

I found this exercise very helpful when I received CBT counselling for when I was suffering from bulimia (ex-bulimic now, and the lowest weight of my adult life; it is possible).

Here's one I've grappled with today.

I found a metaphor that explains it all

Hello, my name is Laura. I started this blog to help cope with the ups and downs of, well, I'm not sure what it is sometimes. It involves existence though.